The Journals
by not done baking
Summary: Bella and Edward have both filled and exchanged journals with their thoughts. Bella on what she thinks about being a vampire and Edward on the early days of their relationship. dualPov. companion to Solar Flare. MEADOW SCENE NOW UP!
1. One: Bella

**AN: **This is a companion story to _Solar Flare_, it would help if you read that story first but it probably isn't necessary. My only goal for this story is to keep it random, it's supposed to read like a diary or journal and for those of you who have diaries know that entries can be random and drift off to random topics.

Also, while in _Solar Flare_ I say that Bella has compiled hundreds of journals this probably won't get too long unless you guys give me ideas. Again, for those of you that keep diaries you know that if a certain topic is bothering you you tend to write about it more, while this may be great therapy I'm sure it would get annoying to read about the same thing over and over and over and over again.

**Disclaimer: **_If you recognize it, I probably don't own it. They belong to whoever owns them. _

**The Journals**

It's weird knowing that I had a life before this.

I can remember some things.

My parents are (were?) Renee and Charlie. I know that Renee was remarried but I can't remember her husband, would he have been my stepfather? He can't have had a significant impact in my life if I can't even remember him.

Renee was an eccentric character. She looked a lot like me, I know that, but I can't bring an image of her to mind and I don't have any pictures of her. I remember she was always trying to learn something new, she always wanted to be busy with a hobby but she could never stick to one. I think, perhaps, hobbies were her hobby.

Charlie was quiet but protective. I guess he had a hard time knowing how to be a parent. A few weeks each summer doesn't really qualify or make you ready to take care of your daughter during her most tumultuous time. I think that he and Edward clashed a lot, but whatever happened I know he had good intentions. He was a good person… was he a member of the police force or fire department?

I feel terrible having such a small grasp on who my parents were. They raised me, they made me who I am today. Well, _that's _not true. Technically, Edward made me who I am today. And I am grateful and happy he was the one to change me, but I can't help but wonder if Carlisle had changed me would Edward me feeling all this guilt? I suppose I should ask Jasper about that.

I remember other people as well, from school.

A tall, sweet girl named Angie or Angel, maybe, was my closest friend after Edward or Alice. She was genuinely nice.

There was a Mitchell or Michael that Edward grumbles about when I bring up Forks, I don't think Edward liked him then or now.

I remember Jacob. Perhaps more than Edward would like me to remember. The relationship I had with Jacob was different than the relationship I had with my other friends, more intense. I was closest with him when Edward had left, perhaps it was more than friendship or was going to be more than friendship. I can see how those feelings flying around would have been hard on Edward when he came back.

He was always rather jealous, he still is jealous. But in a different way. After spending the day with someone else, no matter who it is or what we are doing he always steals us away to our room at night. We lie in bed, like we probably did when I was human. Except I don't sleep and therefore don't talk in my sleep. Edward says he misses that most after my blushing.

Personally, I'm happy I don't talk in my sleep or blush anymore. It seems so embarrassing. It's hard enough coming into this life when everyone around me has already gotten the hang of being a vampire long ago, even though Edward always tries to remind me that being a vegetarian vampire is a constant struggle. He says that we are always learning how to perfect this lifestyle.

Even if that's true they don't need to make it look so easy.


	2. Two: Edward

**AN: **sorry this is so short and random. It's short because it was written without the book. And before I get the questions... yes I _will_ write the meadow scene. I'm writing it right now. I have three more chapters written right now (including two unfinished ones) and maybe five more ideas for chapters. (Now watch this turn into a twenty chapter fic.)

edit: sorry for all the typos, sheesh! lots of changes made, sorry!

**The Journals**

You were beautiful walking into the classroom. I was taken aback not only by your pungent aroma, but by your beauty. Not the typical beauty, Bella, you weren't aware of it. I don't think you are even now.

You sat down next to me, I did everything in my power to not lure you out and kill you. It would be too easy. You've seen it Bella, I have a tendency to hold some sort of power over a human's motive when it suits my need.

From your smell alone I could imagine how wonderful your blood would taste. Warm and thick flowing over my tongue, down my throat. The pleasure that I would get while feeding, the guilt afterwards about killing a young beauty and that I would never get to taste something so delectable ever again.

I stopped breathing, but I wanted to. I wanted to breathe you in so desperately. I had reasoned that feeding on you would destroy my family, but the selfish creature in me reasoned that if I couldn't feed on your perhaps I could take you away and just live in your fragrance for the rest of your days.

It sounds revolting put that way. I'm sure that you're thinking that I, Edward Cullen, could never do something so horrific. Steal a young and unassuming girl away from her family and friends, never to be seen again. And yet, while I didn't steal you away that day, I did steal you away.

And despite your opposition I still feel immensely guilty for it. I took you away from your family and friends, I took you away from the life you could have had. If my family had never come back to Forks then you could have had a normal high school life. You could have dated someone from school, perhaps Mike or Tyler.

I only feel nausea when I eat human food, but the idea of you dating one them makes me sick to my stomach. Until I think about you having the chance of a normal relationship with someone. You could have taken walks on the beach on sunny days, gone to the day carnival together, eaten lunch under the warm sun at school. I hate that I was the one that took all those opportunities away from you.

But, the moment you walked into that classroom, perhaps the moment that you enrolled at Forks High you fated yourself to a life with me. A monster in every way; taking a pretty young girl away from her loved ones and turning her into a monster as well.

Except, you've surprised me in every way. You're so strong, Bella. So determined to put on a brave face, it's inspiring. That became The Second Law of Bella.

The Second Law of Bella: _never assume that Bella will act like the typical human; she is always full of surprises._

If only we could all be so strong. I think that Jasper hates you for it, he won't admit it but you're stronger than any of us ever were. Even Rosalie, possibly, you don't have anyone to take revenge on.

As a newborn vampire you don't need to smell human blood to know that's what you want, like a newborn baby; they know to cry in order to get fed or get attention. But, you've hidden it so well; we've never had to restrain you to running the 43 miles to the nearest human. How do you do it?


	3. Three: Bella

**AN: **Again with commitment... I had this awesome plan-outline thing that I was gonna follow and it was gonna be awesome. Screw that, I'm just gonna upload chapters as I finish them. Which means some stories may be told backwards, you'll deal, right? I am gonna hold the meadow scene until I have an undetermined amount of reviews. I'll decide after this chapter. c:

_**IMPORTANT!!!**_

_**FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT READ CHAPTER TWO WHEN IT WAS FIRST POSTED YOU WILL NEED TO REREAD IT SINCE I EDITED IT AND ADDED NEW AND IMPORTANT**_ **_INFORMATION._**

**The Journal**

I've always been accident-prone. If I think real hard I can remember some of them, the ones that left a big impression on me, for whatever reason.

When I was three I fell off a tricycle and scrapped my knees and hands, I got three stitches. I wasn't allowed to ride a bike again until I was eight.

When I was five I tripped on my shoelace at school and knocked out my front teeth. I didn't get to have shoelaces in my shoes until I was 12, when my Mom had a hard time finding Velcro shoes to fit me.

When I was six I fell down the stairs and broke my arm and got a concussion. I'm sure that if my mother had had the money she would have moved us to a one-story house.

When I was eight I sliced my wrist open on an upholstery staple on the couch and got 13 stitches.

When I was nine I broke my toe on a Lego box, Renee threw away all my toys that didn't involve stuffing or expand my mind somehow.

When I was twelve I broke a rib on a carnival ride that my friends and I snuck onto, I was too short and not only was I confined to a bed for six weeks after that I was grounded for 2 months. It was then that my obsession with Jane Austen was developed.

When I was fifteen I broke my hand when my binder rings snapped shut on it. I was only given notebooks from the school from then on.

It wasn't until I met Edward though that the accidents turned deadly.

I can clearly remember nearly being decimated by someone's van at school. Edward saved me from that one and it was then that I clued in that something was different about him. Average people don't leave dents on the sides of cars and walk away.

I know Edward saved me from something in Port Angeles once, but I don't think he ever wants to talk about. It must have been bad. It was that night that I recognized him for what he really was.

I remember him saving me from James, but I don't remember why… only the pain in my arm and leg.

I remember saving him from the Volturi… that would have never happened if I hadn't jumped off the cliff into the ocean. Which wasn't actually an accident, it was an accident that Alice had thought I had died. If I had known Edward would try and kill himself after I jumped I'm not sure I would have done it to begin with.

I remember having my wrist or hand in a cast after visiting Jake once, but I don't remember how that happened. I've asked Edward about it before but he changed the topic and confused me by kissing and dazzling me. He still fights dirty, even when he has me.

It would make sense if I could say that my favorite accident was when the car attempted to annihilate me or whatever happened in Port Angeles. But, my favorite accident doesn't even involve me.

When I was sixteen Renee and I were walking in the park on a sunny day. She tripped and sprained her ankle and a guy nearby picked her up and helped her to his car and took her to the hospital. I don't know what happened there. Renee seemed to forget about me as she was overwhelmed by the young human, I sat on the swings till the sun went down at which point I decided to trek the five miles home.

When I got home Renee was sitting on the couch with ice on her ankle and the same stranger by her side, she smiled brightly at me despite the pain from her ankle and not knowing the whereabouts of her one and only daughter for hours. She talked vividly about everything the stranger had told her, although I don't think I really took anything in. My place was being taken by a stranger, only because he could pick her up and take her to the car.

The stranger would later purpose to Renee and they would be married. I would decide to move to Forks… where more accidents could happen and I could fall in love with my own beautiful stranger.


	4. Four: Edward

**AN: **I'd like _about_ 50 reviews before I post the meadow scene, but even if I get 50 reviews for this chapter I won't post until I get another Bella chapter up. OCD OCD OCD!

**The Journals**

You were beautiful, sitting in that class so unassuming that anything was different with me. But I instantly knew that you were different. Not only your smell but your mind, it was so blank. I was taken aback by this, never had I met someone whose mind I couldn't understand.

The idea that perhaps your mind was blank crossed my mind, but your expressive dark eyes contradicted that idea so quickly I was ashamed I had even thought it. I had finally been bamboozled and by a weak, little human. There wasn't even anything extraordinary about you.

And that's what made you, in my eyes, so astonishing. _So extraordinary._ By law, you had no power over me, you were only human and yet as time went on you had so much power over me. You held the strings to my marionette form.

But it was just another piece of the Bella puzzle, and more evidence for The Second Law of Bella; _never assume Bella will act like the typical human_.

Had I been human I would have given myself a headache trying to pry into your head that day. I was so frustrated by you, so determined to figure out what you were thinking. It tore me in two, I wanted to get as far away from you as possible, your scent was unbearable at that time. But I wanted to get closer; I wanted to find out what was going on in your mind. If I couldn't hear it it must be something magnificent. A work of art.

The weaker side of me gave in and I got closer to you than I should have and for the most part, I don't regret it one bit. As long as you continue to tell me that each day, perhaps one day I'll believe it myself.

I think that in the days right before you were changed I gave you the impression that I wasn't looking forward to you being one of me, to being equal with me. To being a vampire. That's not exactly true. I was looking forward to you being equal with me, unbreakable and in a way your immortality. I just hate that you had to lose your soul in order for me to get all of this.

But our disagreement on vampires soul is not of the matter right now.

The reason behind my hidden excitement of your change was that I thought that perhaps with your change I would be able to see more clearly into your mind. I would have been thankful and grateful for even the foggiest view at that point. I was so confused by all of your decisions. I couldn't grasp why you hadn't chosen me over Jacob Black, out of your two choices he seemed like the better decision, he could certainly give you a more normal life. At least more normal than what I have to offer you.

The night that you cried in my arms is so evidently embossed into my mind, it's like it's happening right now, clear as day.

I waited not quite so patiently next to your side, on the outside fretting over your current state but also trying my hardest to peer inside your mind. I had no idea what I would see and I wasn't sure if I would want to know what was going on in your mind in your moment of greatest pain.

Perhaps it is the same for those humans who slow down at the sight of a car accident, they want to know what happened, see what happened, but at the same time the fear of seeing anything gruesome makes their adrenaline pump. I wanted to know what was going in your mind so desperately that I would have risked hearing the thoughts I never wanted to hear from you.

"_I regret it."_

I was so terrified that if I didn't hear you thinking those thoughts during the transformation that you would wake up and say those words and cry without tears. I would hold you again, of course, but after that I have no idea what I would have done. I suppose it's good that you didn't wake up that way.

Do your surprises ever end, Bella?

Of course not, it's The Second Law of Bella.

I'm ever so thankful that you woke up with that grin on your face, your hands smoothing over the blanket playing with the familiar and somehow foreign textures of the cloth. We were silent, staring at each other. At some point Carlisle had left the room.

I'm sure we must have stared at each other for hours, quietly. You're fingers playing with the texture of the cloth on your shorts, shirt, blankets, anything you could get a hold of. I was so jealous of everything those fingers touched.

It seemed that at the same time we rushed towards each other and the forever following it was a war of skin, hands, lips, tongues, eyes and whispers of promises of eternity.


	5. Five: Bella

**The Journals**

Hunting was the hardest thing to adjust to. While I wasn't opposed to eating meat when I was human I had never really thought about what had to happen to the animal in order for me to eat that meat.

Edward held my hand tightly as he took me into the wilderness, I knew he had been dreading this but it was pointless to put it off anymore. Even though everyone had been nice enough to bring me blood to drink the first few days I knew that couldn't last forever, it was impractical.

I had "woken up" with the sun today. It seemed silly but Edward and I still spent the night in bed, he would hold me and our breathing would sync up. I opened my eyes and rolled around to face him, "I'd like you to take me hunting today. I'd like you to teach me."

He looked down and his jaw clenched. I could see the pain in his eyes as reality set in for him, I wasn't the delicate human he had fallen in love with. I was terrified. Maybe he would take me into the forest and leave me there, let me figure things out on my own. Maybe he only loved me because he had to protect me, protecting me gave him a place in the world. It gave him something to do.

Was I just a hobby to him? Was he going to lose interest once it became easier? Was I not challenging enough anymore?

We continued staring at each other before he got up, "Okay, put on jeans and a long sleeve shirt, I'll meet you out front in five minutes. I need to talk to Carlisle," he sat up and pushed to covers aside. He kissed my cheek and strode out of the room, grabbing a shirt out of his drawer on the way out.

"Wouldn't want me to get poison oak or anything like that," I grumbled. I didn't like starting the morning off like this, our mornings since being married had started off sweet and romantic, never like this.

I got up and got dressed in jeans and a flannel shirt. I pulled on my tennis shoes and looked at my appearance in the mirror. Despite the night in bed my hair was still piled nicely on top of my head and my face was free of pillow wrinkles.

I went downstairs and saw Edward waiting in the foyer, I took his hand and tried to smile, "Please don't be so gloomy, Edward. It's not like I'm running over your dog and telling you to watch. I'm just asking you to teach me to hunt—"

"It's not really something that is taught. I'm just—" he pulled me out the door and into the surrounding forest, "I'm just scared I'm going to lose control of you," he shook his head like he was getting rid of excess water in his hair, as if that would make him forget his fears.

It didn't help knowing that he had the same fears as I did, there was no comfort there.

We walked into the woods for a few miles, "I'm sure you've already taken notice to a few animals nearby. I want you to go after them. You'll know what to do," he let go of my hand stood there. I walked into the woods a few feet, "Wait!"

I turned around, confused, was I doing something wrong? Was I defective in some sort of way? Edward walked up to me and grabbed my wrist bringing me towards him, we were to chest to chest and staring at each other.

"What is it, Edwa—"

His lips were on my own instantaneously. One arm was around my waist and the other was on the back of my neck, my own arms were locked inside the embrace, "I love you," he pulled away and let me go.

And I ran.

&

I stared back down at the carcass. This animal was dead. From my hands, I had taken life for my own betterment. The blood was on the ground and my tears were falling into the small puddle.

I cried in Edward's arms as he took me home.

"You did wonderful."

"You're beautiful."

"I love you."

He repeated over and over again.

**AN: **Sorry it's half-assed. But I need to get something out, I feel really bad sense I was doing so well with updating and then school started. College this semester is amazing, but so hard. I went through 150 index cards this weekend alone doing vocab work. I've also been working on my own personal fiction which you can check out over on fictionpress, the link should be in profile. (I have the same user name there, and pretty much everywhere else except like... myspace.)

_I will post the meadow scene on Thursday._

Now go check out the pictures on Meyer's site! OMG.


	6. Six: Edward

_a disclaimer: _I've only read the Illustrated Classic of Jekyll and Hyde, I've seen the Wishbone episode and I've seen the musical. I have not read the actual book, so I'm not positive about what happened. I'm sure I'm not that far off though.

_I'm so sorry. I don't know why I forgot to update this. I haven't been spending a lot of time on fanfiction so that's my only guess. Again, sorry, but here is the massive chapter. And for now this story is **complete/in hiatus**.  
_

**The Journals**

You were beautiful when I picked you up. Blushing from the cold. I could only imagine what Alice would have to say about our matching outfits.

I didn't want to take you out, I wanted to be strong and be able to ignore you. I'd rather have you hate me instead of care for me. I'm ashamed to say, that I could see that you were taken with me and I loved it. I loved that you felt the same way about me that I did about you. It was the seventeen year-old in me.

I had never experienced what I felt as a human. I can promise you Bella, that you are the first person I have ever had these kinds of feelings. And it was so confounding, I had been alive in some sort of way for over a hundred years and here I was falling for the worst person for me. A human girl whose veins I wanted to drain dry.

And I wasn't strong enough to turn you away, you pulled me in like a seductress. You still have that power over me, Bella, you complain about me dazzling you. But you don't have to do anything to get me to fulfill your every wish and whim.

It took forever to reach the meadow in the abysmal truck you were determined to drive. You tried to hide your worry about the treacherous path that would take us there, your face was so easy to read even if I couldn't read your mind. You didn't know that I would do everything I could to protect you from getting so much as a scratch. Not only would something as small as a paper cut bring pain to your world but it could also bring your death.

I wasn't sure how strong I could be around your blood lest it be spilled. Having it covered by veins and skin was hard enough for me, especially with your constant blushing, causing the blood pool in your cheeks and décolletage.

Even though I haven't seen you blush in months I can still perfectly see the way your creamy neck would slowly turn pink, then red. Your left hand would go up and pull on a length of your hair and you would duck your head in, trying to hide the red that was there. But I didn't need my eyesight in order to know it was there. The smell was intoxicating.

During that time you were always trying to come up with theories about me, conclusions drawn from the literature you had read read or the movies you had seen. All wrong, of course. But there was something I hadn't told you then, maybe now is the best time. I had a theory about you and it was in this trip that I discovered that it was a law. The First Law of Bella, perhaps. I call it the first because there would be many more to come.

The First Law of Bella reads something like this: _if there is danger to be found in an experience Bella Swan (now Cullen) will most certainly find it, no matter how small or unlikely. Never underestimate the power of Bella's danger radar and magnet._

How could you, my smart little human, be so foolish as to not tell anyone that you were off with a very dangerous creature? Did you make it a habit while you lived in Phoenix to take candy from strangers and help them find lost puppies, you silly beautiful girl?

When I stepped into the light I was waiting for the fear to come rushing to you, for you to run away into the woods. Of course, I would have to go after you in case you got lost or hurt. I would have to use my, how should I phrase it, influence in order to get you home and to the car. My family would then of course be inconvenienced because we would then have to move quickly, perhaps we would pay you off in order to keep our secret.

But, the Second Law of Bella was then tested and the conclusion was made.

You didn't run away, dear Bella, you stayed there, in awe of me. Shocked most certainly, but I couldn't smell or see a hint of fear coming from you. Knowing that you wouldn't run away I laid down in the middle of meadow, the sun was warming over my body.

I had always enjoyed sitting in the sun, forbidden to do so in front of humans the opportunity to do this was rare if we didn't live in a town that had lots of open wilderness nearby. When I came to Forks the first time I was disappointed to see so many trees, much like you. The reasonable person in me knew that the cloudy atmosphere would be good for my then small family, but I was upset to know I wouldn't get my time in the sun.

It was why I was delighted to find the small clearing and the first time I left I hoped that the growing communities or the spawning trees wouldn't swallow it up. When we moved back, it seemed I was in luck, not only was it clear of houses, shopping strips and trees but I would also find someone to share it with.

And what a lucky vampire I was, to have such a beautiful lady to share the meadow with now. I may be a selfish creature, but I wanted so badly to share this with you. You were the first person, vampire or human, I had taken to see the meadow. Carlisle and Esme knew of it and the proximity of it, Alice of course knew where it was, but none of them would ever make an attempt to visit me there. This was my space. Until I took you there, it would soon become our space. And I pray that if there is one thing you remember about our courtship that the times in this meadow would be it.

I couldn't help but be glad that you didn't run away, I wanted you to stay with me, even though at the time I wasn't aware of how far I would take us. I had figured that like any other human you would soon lose interest, but you dug us into the hole and I made no move to help us get out.

You moved to touch me, fear in your eyes, finally. But when your fingertip touched my hand relief pushed away any fear that you had. The warmth coming from that one fingertip was amazing; against my skin I could feel every line of your fingerprint.

Maybe it was the seventeen year old in me, but at that moment the feeling your small, warm hands against my arm felt erotic. Sexual. Between the warmth from your skin and your aroma being an aphrodisiac for me, you now know very well how much comfort the touch of something warm can give. And please forgive me Bella, remember we had not yet kissed and that thought crossed my mind. If your touch could send my non-existent heart beat racing, what would a kiss do?

Of course I now know what I felt then is nothing compared to what I feel when I'm kissing you, really kissing you. Not the kiss that had so many rules and boundaries in place to keep you safe. And that touch is only a blip on the radar now that our relationship is complete, now that we have made love.

Do you try and drive me mad, Bella, or is it just one of your many talents?

I wanted so badly to ask you what you were thinking, but I feared that my prying would turn you off. I wasn't used to not having the upper hand in situations, it wasn't that I had a bad hand of cards it was that I hadn't been given any. You would automatically win. I hadn't seen at the time though, that by you winning I would win as well. If you got to stay with your soul mate forever, then so did I.

Your fingers trembled against me, it felt amazing. I closed my eyes, cutting off one more sense willing my sense of touch to grow. I wanted to be consumed by your touch. Your fingers trembled against my arm and made their way to the crook of my elbow, tracing each pointless vein there.

I lost myself there. Sensing your other hand coming to meet my own I flipped my palm face up, I had forgotten to go at a human speed, "It's too easy to be myself with you," and, Bella, it was. I had to think twice and concentrate on pretending to be human, that could become very dangerous if I were to forget myself in public. Or God forbid I did something in public that would reveal my true identity.

It was a close enough call when Tyler's van tried to destroy you.

We could have spent days in the meadow talking, I knew we had spent hours, but it only felt like minutes. It wasn't fair, I wanted all the time in the world with you. But I knew I couldn't give that to you, if I really felt anything for you I should have been strong enough to let you go. Let you live a normal happy life and only remember me as a happy first love. But I couldn't do that Bella, I was weak.

And honest to goodness I'm glad I fell down the rabbit hole with you.

I explained almost everything to you, at the time you thought it was everything. But of course it was for naught, you've probably forgotten it all. That's why I'm writing these, perhaps my memories will trigger your memories and help you cling to them for longer at least for the happier ones. Because, despite the turmoil of our relationship, Bella, there were happy times for us, our time spent in the meadow being one of them.

I remember it exactly; of course, "You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever."

Watching you take that in was the scariest thing I've ever faced. I had known you for a matter of weeks, pretended to hate you for a few of them, then I was declaring my love for you. And you returned it, may I refer back to The Second Law of Bella? _She is always full of surprises._ Do you do it on purpose, do you try to keep me on my toes? Is it some kind of game you have going on with Alice, just to keep her mind busy and racing with images of our future paths?

It doesn't help that I can't read your mind. Will there ever be a point, hundreds of years down the road when I'll know you well enough to be able to predict each move you make? Would our relationship change then?

I held you close, trying to force myself to become immune to your scent. It did little except warm my cheek a little and send my head spinning. You didn't have to say anything, I could tell from your heartbeat alone, that you enjoyed the connection just as much as I did.

And all too soon you had to go home, it was so unfair. I ran with you for the first time, it didn't go nearly as well as I had expected. I had thought that after spending the entire day with a vampire, a vampire who desperately wanted to drink your blood, you would enjoy something as safe as running with me. I would never let anything hurt and as long as you were in my grasp nothing ever would.

You looked ghastly when I set you down, after prying your hands off my neck. I'm sorry to say that I was just a little amused by your reaction, despite your pallor you said you were fine minus being dizzy. The Third Law of Bella was born.

The Third Law of Bella:_ in the face of danger Bella will always put on a brave face and pretend nothing is wrong, only the wise will be able to see through it._

You looked beautiful even though you were a ghastly shade of green white. Your hair was frazzled and your eyes were wide open and bright, alert to anything else that might surprise you.

I couldn't help myself, I had never kissed someone nor had I ever been kissed. I wasn't aware of what I should do, whether or not I should ask your permission or whether you were supposed to tell me it was okay.

I knew that I was too far away from my family to hear their voices and there was no way that they could know what I was doing, but I could still hear them teasing me relentlessly. At least Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett were. Alice was too kind and Carlisle and Esme were too understanding.

But suddenly I feared more than just your rejection, but whether or not I could handle being so close to you. I had thought at that moment that this would be the ultimate test, I would later find out that us alone on that boat would be the ultimate test. But for this moment, our lips together, my hands on your blushing face, your warm hands in my hair, around my neck would test every strength I had.

Your lips parted against mine, I knew I couldn't handle that, but your enthralling smell and inviting hands drew me closer. How could they not? I stopped, remained motionless. With the utmost gentleness I withdrew your hands from my neck and stared at you, eyes closed, puffy lips parted, face pink with that beautiful blush of yours.

I could almost feel myself crossing the line I had promised I wouldn't cross, I was in love with you Bella Cullen, Bella Swan at the time. I had hoped that this would only be a silly high school love for you, that I could easily forget you once my family moved on. How harebrained of me, right? I am the one that pulled us down the rabbit hole, so I suppose it's fitting.

I kept you close, despite your attempts to move away from me. Your heart was pumping away madly and I smiled, I had kissed you. I had passed the then ultimate test and I had won and conquered. I felt better than Caesar probably had.

I felt so jubilant knowing you weren't dead, knowing that my lips hadn't slipped to your delicate throat and taken away your life. I helped you up and to the car, you swayed to and fro drunk with- what? I couldn't decide if you were still weak from the run or were as dazzled by the kiss as I was.

I took away your keys, teasing that "friends don't let friends drive drunk. You're intoxicated by my very presence," I felt as if I was flying, I could have gotten you the moon and all the stars if you had asked for them.

The car ride back to your house and away from me was different than are car ride to the meadow. We talked; some could even say we chatted. Albeit our conversation played mainly on my age and my changing, I kept it very brief however. I had hoped that the more I kept from you the safer you would be when we parted ways. I wasn't oblivious to the Volturi's set of rules.

We spoke more of my family and I told you a brief part of their history, it would be hard to fit it all into one brief car ride. We spoke for a long time in front of your house, I was aware that it was customary to walk you to the door and kiss you goodnight but I didn't want to let you go. Your car smelled so wonderful and you made me so curious, what with your endless questions and blank mind. But, it wasn't blank, not really, it only seemed that way to me.

And in that car, wrapped up in you, Bella, it was like I was finally alone with myself for the first time in years. I didn't have the drone of others' thoughts ringing through my head. It may seem difficult to be alone when someone else is in the nearby vicinity, but you made me whole Bella. I could really be myself around you. I wasn't answering the questions I heard in your head, I was having a normal conversation out loud and I loved it all.

You were my new guilty pleasure.

And it's true, during those days I had so much guilt about taking you away from your family and friends, even momentarily. Rosalie and I would get into awful fights about what I was doing to you, she was convinced that you wouldn't be able to let me go and I had fooled myself that everything would work out. There did come a point where I realized that I wouldn't be the one who couldn't let you go. But that was easily solved, I would stay with you, stay by your side until the day you died. It was too easy.

But, as I've now learned you never make things easy Bella.

The Fourth Law of Bella: _when in doubt Bella will always take the harder, less traveled road._

And that has made all the difference, Bella love.

I followed you into your house, already knowing where the key was and the layout of the house. I admitted to my spying, you didn't seem at all as offended as I had thought you would have.

You were so embarrassed once I informed you that I had overheard what you spoke about in your sleep. Hearing you talk in your sleep was amazing, right up there in my Top 10 Most Beautiful Things. You would shift your shoulders and clutch your lucky pillow just a little tighter and whisper off some nonsense string of words. Sometimes they would make sense though.

I told you what I heard, telling you how I knew so much about you. I didn't give up my most precious piece of information so easily, it took some prying, because Bella, I had never heard those words from anyone besides my family. Of course I had heard them in the minds of frivolous girls at school, but I was hearing it from the mouth of the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.

The thought that someone so wonderful could love me so much was too precious of me to let go, I suppose I was just too afraid that I would scare you off. Although I don't know why I was so doubtful, you had all but found yourself some handcuffs to tether yourself to my side. You weren't going anywhere.

I believe that I was holding on to the glimmer of distorted hope that you would still run from me, Bella. I was too far in the rabbit hole, but if you got out you could live a normal life. Perhaps if only your subconscious was aware of those feelings for me all would be safe for your future.

And to think I had worried about all this just from my nam whispered off of your sleepy lips.

Before the blush had time to leave your cheeks I heard your father come up the drive way, I quickly discerned that now would not be the time for me to meet him and I rushed to your room leaving you befuddled in the kitchen with your plate of food.

I listened quietly from your room, my dead heart soared as I recognized your rushed voice and movements. You were trying to hurry up to get to me, Bella. Someone as terrible as me had captured someone as beautiful and wonderful as you, it was a very confusing feeling. I felt like Jekyll and Hyde, caring for Lucy but hurting her as well.

Poor Dr. Jekyll describes my condition very well.

Jealousy soared through me as your father mentioned the topic of Saturday nights and boys, but I felt a flutter of joy at your inflection of the word 'boys, but it quickly dropped. On the one hand you thought of me as a man, as someone more than a boyfriend. On the other hand you thought of me as the hundred year old monster I really was.

If I only I could have read your mind, Bella.

I rested on your bed as your feet pounded against the stairs, you squinted in the darkness trying to find me, not even thinking of looking on your bed. I thought perhaps that by lying on your bed I had intruded. Was being on your bed too personal, too intimate too soon? I knew very well what couples generally did in bed.

But were we even a couple? We had had one kiss, we never discussed us being together. It just happened.

Your heart was fluttering from the shock as I sat you next to me, your smile wiped away my fears I had about anything at the moment. You accuse me of dazzling you, but you do the same, without even intending to which is by far worse. At least I have some control over my dazzling qualities.

That night is most certainly on my Top Ten Best Nights, perhaps the top five. Along with the first night of our honeymoon, the night you grudgingly accepted my proposal, our first night together after your change.

I waited diligently on your bed while you cleaned yourself up, although I saw no need for your human moment. You came back into the room looking excited, like the kids at school on the day before winter vacation or spring break. Your face was flushed and warm I couldn't help but lay my own face against yours and attempt to absorb some of the warmth.

We had been so close that night, I had been exuberant. I had thought this was the peak of our relationship and we could never be closer than that night. But, I was oh so wonderfully wrong.

I began to live again, feel emotions again. These feelings of love and jealousy and furry were amazingly real.

I was holding you so utterly close when I heard the stray thoughts of Charlie coming by to check on you. I listened from the closet, I could hear your terrible immitation of rhythmic breathing. Once Charlie left I opened the door and smiled at your scrunched up body under the covers. I watched silently, adoring your tragic theatre skills. I never wanted the moment to end.

I didn't need to move the stack of books blocking your alarm clock to know that it was late and I knew from my nights of stalking that you were generally asleep by the late hour that it was. But, I'm naturally a selfish creature and it was hard to let go of the short time I had with you.

I offered to sing you to sleep but you declined. I hadn't told you about your lullaby at that time, I think that perhaps I was embarrassed.

You decided to question me on my life and my life style. You could be a reporter, Bella, you're wonderful at putting a person in the hot seat. You have a knack for those hard-hitting questions.

I cringed inwardly when the conversation drew to a more sensitive subject for our relationship. I couldn't imagine being any closer to you than I was at that moment and your question brought my fantasy to a screaming halt.

You were so honest with me, you were so gorgeous, inside and out, and I had an unfortunately prime knowledge of the teenage male mind. I would never have guessed someone like you was so innocent.

In the silence of the night I could almost hear your systems giving you the warning bell to lay your head down, rest your mind and go to sleep. I held you close as you fell asleep and hummed your lullaby till the sun peaked again.

**AN: **Long chapter much? Actually, I wanted to continue but I knew if I did I would never finish, it's already longer than I wanted it to be. I have to say, I'm pretty proud of this and I hope I was able to portray this scene (well, two chapters) well and it didn't feel repetitive. I don't remember writing too much of this chapter since it was a month ago, but I do remember using my thesaurus and dictionary a lot.

**((Hopefully you guys have found the commonality between all of Edward's POVs. If not, shame!))**


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